The Voice Within

Just to be . . .

2010-07-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

Just to be alive. Just to be breathing and talking and walking. For these I am thankful. This past week kind of caught me by surprise. I expected a busy week, because that's how the cookie tends to crumble in the summertime on the trauma service. Many inebriated people rolling into the trauma bay after getting behind the wheel of some motorized vehicle and meeting up with the nearest tree, pole, or passing car.

However, I wasn't quite ready to watch 3 people die in front of my eyes.

To stand within a circle of family members in a dim ICU room at 3 AM and slowly turn off the blood pressure drips and ventilator on a woman whose brain had swelled and herniated beyond survivability. Several hours prior to that tears had rolled down my cheeks as I watched her husband cradle her hand in his after they wheeled his bed into her room for her final hours. They had been on a motorcycle together only hours before. She had actually been wearing a helmet. He escaped with a few rib fractures and the eternal memory of pulling his unresponsive wife from the ditch just before the paramedics arrived. She escaped to heaven.

Only several hours later, a 19 year old man rolled in with a gunshot wound to his left chest. Heroic attempts were made in the operating room to salvage him but his injuries were too severe. Somehow I managed to wipe the blood off my clogs, find a new pair of scrubs, and finish seeing my other patients that morning.

Another blow came a few days later when an elderly, yet what appeared to be relatively robust, gentleman was flown in after being struck by a tree limb while out cutting branches with his son. He lost a pulse in the helicopter. Ten minutes of CPR later, he failed to regain any organized rhythm and was pronounced dead in trauma bay 1. His wife, son, daughter-in-law and 2 grandchildren were en route. None knew of his demise. "You'll need to go and talk to the family, " I was told. Not a conversation I quite knew how to start or finish. Not sure I ever will.

As if the deaths were not enough, I came in one morning to a 21 year old woman, 20 weeks pregnant, who was hit head on by someone crossing the median strip. She delivered a stillborn infant 2 days later while still intubated and critically ill herself. She was engaged to be married this month. That same night, a drunk man walked across a busy highway and now can move nothing or feel nothing below his neck. He blinks responses to me each morning.

So all of this is quite distressing and depressing . . . but it left the following impression on me. Just to be. That's what matters. Tragedy is no respector of persons. Just to be able to spend another day with my husband or family or friends. Don't take those days for granted. Love deeply and forgive widely. If you have amends to make with someone . . . make them. Just to be able to walk and talk and live another day is a precious gift and one you may not receive tomorrow. Just be. It's what really matters.

Saturdays

2010-06-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

I'm back . . . and trying to resurrect this blog. While the pace of life only seems to be speeding up, I'm trying my darnedest (is that how you spell it ?!) to slow it down. One of my favorite ways is relishing my Saturday's off on the lovely "Golden Weekends"(i.e. off call and hospital duties from Fridays nights until Monday morning) we get twice a month. After rolling out of bed, the aroma of hazelnut flavored coffed trailed after me as I grabbed a full mug and headed out to the patio. A quiet morning greeted me save for a few chattering birds. I enjoyed some time in God's Word and felt the warm sun as it peeked in and out behind the passing clouds. My little friend Alvin (the little chipmunk that Peter and I often see running around out back) even came up on the patio to say hello.

Close to noon, after enjoying a little brunch with Peter, it was off to the farmer's market . . . one of the very best things about living in Madison. And boy, did I find a bargain. I've been looking for some vibrant hanging baskets for over my patio and lucked out at the Lost Acres Greenhouses stand. Most plant/flower stands were trying to clear out their inventory so Lost Acres had marked their baskets down to $20 a piece! And these weren't wimpy little flower baskets. The flowers just bubbled over and there were mixtures of yellow, pink, purple, etc within each basket. They said if a I bought 2 I got another $5 off! So . . . I walked away with 2 huge baskets for $35 flat!

My afternoon turned out to be rather wet, as I worked in the yard, through a torrential downpour, to put my flowers in their new home and hang up my baskets.

After a warm shower, I got a hankering to visit the local consignment shop and St Vincent De Paul thrift store to try and find a dress for our annual end-of-the-year "Chief's Dinner." It's a tribute to our outgoing chief residents and a usually entails a fun, fancy dinner at a local country club. I have to admit I'm slightly addicted to shopping at these places and even though I try to just go and "look," I rarely leave empty-handed. And this trip was no different. To my delight, I found not 1, but 3 lovely dresses (I just couldn't not do all 3 because they were too adorable and a total bargain!) So I'm $75 poorer today but now my patio and I are dressed to kill . . . just don't tell Peter :)!

Bad dream

2009-11-16T20:24:00.000-08:00

I feel like I just want to wake up from a bad dream. I'm not comprehending right now how to deal with all the questions and emotions that seem to drown my mind. Can I just open my eyes and make it be over? God feels like right in the midst of it, yet so far away as well. I want to completely trust him . . . yet I feel afraid of what might be in store. Thankfully He has given me so many amazing family and friends. I feel like I would be in the looney bin without them. Most things that I once considered safe, secure, and real feel like sand slipping through my fingers. I keep hoping God is there catching things from below.

Struggling . . .

2009-11-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

I think my abscence from this site gives testament to the state of my life right now. The last few months have been rough. While learning a tremendous amount about taking care of patients with vascular disease, my life was overtaken by my duties on the vascular service and required 14+ hr days often with little sleep and even less time for just enjoying life outside of work. Thankfully, the people I worked with over that time were in it just as much as I was so we worked as a team to get through and keep each other going. I'm now on the transplant service and take care of patients that have received a new kidney or pancreas, most often for long term diabetes. While the work itself on this service is a little less interesting to me than some of the vascular stuff I was doing, the hours are better and so is the call.

And while work has taken it's toll on me recently, my heart is heavy with some additional trials I find myself in within my home life right now. The pain is overwhelming at times . . . questions and doubts swirl in my mind. I can empathize with the psalmist who says,

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is greatly dismayed; But you O Lord--how long? . . . I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with tears. " (Ps. 6: 2-3, 6)

I feel Satan crouching at my doorstep and fiery darts attacking my hope and faith. I feel humbled by the sinfulness or waywardness of my own heart at times and betrayed in ways I prayed would never happen to me.

I know God is in this though. I have walked through valleys before. This feels pretty steep though. I don't know how I will get through each day sometimes but He always helps me through. He continually blesses me through family and friends. As I was reading through my emails tonight, I stumbled across something that directed me to a blog called [in]courage and I appreciated this statement:

"As time went by, I discovered that true hope is believing in God no matter what he decides to do. We tend to think what we need most is whatever we are asking for in that moment. God knows what we really need is more of Him in every moment."

I'm praying to find him more in these moments . . . hope you are too.

More summer fun . . .

2009-08-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm about 2 weeks behind with posting but here's a few more photos to document some of my leisure time (I do get some . . . just sparingly!)

Two weekends ago we had the chance to relax at a lakeside cabin with our friends Steph and Kirk and their adorable little guy, Cameron. It was more like a pretty modern house, actually, but it was in the middle of nowhere somewhere north of Eau Claire, WI.

A quick cruise around the lake at twilight

Me actually up on a wakeboard!

Peter finally succumbed to my heckling and decided to show off a few moves too!

Kirk showed us all up though being the slick slalom skiier that he is :)

Their dog Risa didn't seem to mind getting a little "wind-whipped" on the boat either.

Peter and I after our waterskiing extravaganza.

Cameron demonstrating a great way to end the day!

Sail away, sail away, sail away . . .

2009-07-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

While work has been busy and all-consuming at times, Peter and I have still managed to get some time away with friends and enjoy the beautiful summer we're having. Last week we enjoyed some time at the home of Joe and Jeannie Silverberg, long time Hoofer sailing folks with 50+ years of marriage behind them. They're just about he cutest "older" couple (I say "old" but Joe still bikes around town and they keep up with us "youngsters" pretty well) you'll come across and they put on their annual "Social event of the year" party for the instructors. Peter and I stole a quick photo with them before we jetted that night.

We also got some time to take our friends Matt and Alissa and one of their daughters, Tess, on a nice Friday evening sail two weeks ago. Alissa and I have gotten to be good friends and she was my sponsor when Peter and I went through RCIA and confirmation at our local parish back in the spring.

Tess helping Mom work the jib

Aren't we cute? :)

Unfortunately, Tess left her hat on the boat . . . so Peter thought he might put it to good use!

Here's Peter towing our boat in to be put away as the sun sets on our evening.

Sunsets and sunrises on the lake are one of my favorite things in Madison. They always feel to me like God smiling at us and saying "Good evening" or
"Good morning." He gave us wonderful "smile" that night!

Independence Day

2009-07-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

It was great to have off this past weekend for the 4th. Here's a great jello mold my friend Alissa made for a picnic we had on Saturday. I thougt it was quite festive! Just before tearing into it we had a "competitive" whiffleball game which brought back memories of my childhood living in our house on Mallard Ave and playing hours of whiffleball with my friend Ben who lived next door. We somehow made a "two man" whiffle ball game work with lots of imaginary baserunners and a little arguing thrown in when we lost track of where all our imaginary teammates were! :-)

Later that night, I headed downtown to another
shin dig (unfortunately Peter was away this whole weekend as he was finishing up a two week mandatory active duty time for the coast guard) and landed at the apartment of one of my fellow residents. It was a beautiful night so we headed up to the roof of her apt building to catch some nice views of the city. You can see the top of the capitol building behind me, and two other residents who started residency with me, Matt and Sandeepa. The weird thing though is that even though we all started together, Sandeepa is now one of the "chiefs" over Matt and I since she didn't do the two year research time. While it would be nice to be in my last year as she is now, I have a great class of guys to finish out my last three years with . . . and add a little "estrogen" to our now male-dominated class!

Finally, on Sunday, I decided to head out to the lake for a quick sail before Peter got home. It was gorgeous! Perfect wind and temperature. I rigged up a Laser which is a light, fast racing boat that is super fun to sail. The one downside is that it takes quite a bit of time to rig and de-rig but was well worth it that day. Being out on the lake is one the glorious summer treasures that we have here in Madison. There's nothing quite like it!

Early risings

2009-07-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

So I thought this picture would be a great way to put a positive spin on my life as I now know it, and will know it for the next few years. I guess one of the advantages to driving into work between 5:30 and 6:00 AM is the great sunrises I catch as I pull into the parking garage. Univ of Wisconsin Hospital is uniquely situated on the edge of Lake Mendota giving you picturesque views every time you park or especially from the 7th floor patient rooms of the VA Hospital where most of our surgical patients reside. While I had good intentions of trying to drive to work a little earlier to actually photograph one of these sunrises myself, alas, that didn't quite happen so I stole this one off the internet . . . but it's exactly what I would have taken myself.

So I have survived my first full week back on clinical duties in the hospital. It's been a really good week though despite the longer hours and sleep deprivation. I probably had one of the
busiest Saturday 24 hr call shifts I've ever had since starting residency . . . which was kind of a rude awakening but sort of fun in a way. Our pagers started going off a lot around noon on Saturday and pretty much from that point on, we never really stopped moving or seeing patients until about 9 AM the next morning. We saw 17 consults for general surgery, trauma or burns overall, with 3 of those traumas being level ones (our most severe traumas) with all of them requiring a trip to the OR. One guy had his mobile home fall on his chest as he was backing out from working under it and crushed his liver, another woman suffered a traumatic amputation of her left arm and mangled her left leg after driving drunk and side-swiping a semi, and the last guy had multiple stab wounds after being jumped by some guy who was pissed that he was flirting with his girlfriend at a bar . . . he arrived with his intestines eviscerating through one of the wounds. So needless to say there was no lack of excitement or work but we made it and it makes for some good stories.

Gratitude

2009-06-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

So I have survived my first 3 days back as a clinical surgery resident. Whew! I feel a bit weary as my body is quite used to 12-13 hr days at this point. I had the opportunity to finally operate today. Unfortunately, it was to remove part of a man's colon who had been diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer . . . and he is only 42 yrs old. Seeing advanced cancer in such young patients is one of the most humbling things I come across. It makes you kind of stop in your tracks. Just the night before, I was feeling kind of down about still being a resident, having 3 more years to go, being childless, and yadda, yadda, yadda . . . and then a patient like this comes along. A phone call to Mom always brings me back to reality too. So, I'm trying to focus on gratitude. Counting my blessings. Living in the moment. Leaving the future to God. I don't do real well with these things sometimes but taking care of sick people every day in much more dire circumstances than my own never fails to bring a reality check.

See how your garden grows . . .

2009-06-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited my tomato plants are finally starting to bloom. I wasn't sure how they and my herbs would do since we only get some morning sun in our little yard but otherwise have mostly shade or part sun. Thanks to all the rain and now the steamy heat my little garden is flourishing.

Monster

2009-06-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

So I couldn't help taking this photo the other night. This is Monster . . . a funny cat we're pet-sitting for one of our ultimate frisbee teammates. He's a cute little guy that curls up next to me the minute I sit on the couch, often planting himself squarely on my lap . . . over books, magazines, etc!

He'll be our buddy for the next 5-6 weeks which so far has been quite fun for Peter and I.

What to say . . .

2009-06-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

So . . . I'm not quite sure how to start all of this. I just feel like I need an outlet. I used to journal more in my college days but my current journal has about 2 entries for 2009 and has been doing a better job collecting dust than anything else. Since I'm constantly around computers it seems that I might do a better job with this medium . . . even though there are a number of days where I really detest sitting at a computer for more than like a minute or two. "Tech" is something I have slowly conceded to as it intrudes more and more into life . . . sometimes bringing more efficiency . . . but often just more depersonalization and multi-tasking to our lives. Hopefully, I can keep this think above water and give myself some creative outlet when I'm tired of typing endless patient progess notes, op notes, and such into the hospital EMR. Here goes!