Struggling . . .

I think my abscence from this site gives testament to the state of my life right now. The last few months have been rough. While learning a tremendous amount about taking care of patients with vascular disease, my life was overtaken by my duties on the vascular service and required 14+ hr days often with little sleep and even less time for just enjoying life outside of work. Thankfully, the people I worked with over that time were in it just as much as I was so we worked as a team to get through and keep each other going. I'm now on the transplant service and take care of patients that have received a new kidney or pancreas, most often for long term diabetes. While the work itself on this service is a little less interesting to me than some of the vascular stuff I was doing, the hours are better and so is the call.

And while work has taken it's toll on me recently, my heart is heavy with some additional trials I find myself in within my home life right now. The pain is overwhelming at times . . . questions and doubts swirl in my mind. I can empathize with the psalmist who says,

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is greatly dismayed; But you O Lord--how long? . . . I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with tears. " (Ps. 6: 2-3, 6)

I feel Satan crouching at my doorstep and fiery darts attacking my hope and faith. I feel humbled by the sinfulness or waywardness of my own heart at times and betrayed in ways I prayed would never happen to me.

I know God is in this though. I have walked through valleys before. This feels pretty steep though. I don't know how I will get through each day sometimes but He always helps me through. He continually blesses me through family and friends. As I was reading through my emails tonight, I stumbled across something that directed me to a blog called [in]courage and I appreciated this statement:

"As time went by, I discovered that true hope is believing in God no matter what he decides to do. We tend to think what we need most is whatever we are asking for in that moment. God knows what we really need is more of Him in every moment."

I'm praying to find him more in these moments . . . hope you are too.